I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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