and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
