New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
