i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
