Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
