My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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