I cockslap morals
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize