anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
