First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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