my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
