did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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