Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
