That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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