Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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