I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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