420 ftw
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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