I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Congratulations! We have a period
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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