Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
