Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
