i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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