He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize