Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
