I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
