We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
