The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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