i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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