The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
