she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
