so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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