i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
