We're facebook friends in real life
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
