Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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