Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize