just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
