You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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