new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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