i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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