Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
