i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
