the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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