Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Text me some of your sweat
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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