The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was not drunk enough for that final.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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