Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize