I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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