it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
being pregnant is like rehab
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
