Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
