If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
