I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
