Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
