Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
