i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize