Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
