my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
