I'm lost and stupid without you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
