So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
