i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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