I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
