You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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