Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
