i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
